Holidays and Grief

Holidays are often difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of someone loved. When that someone has been murdered, it can be even more difficult to handle. The holidays can bring feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness instead of being a time of family togetherness. You are experiencing not only the loss of your loved one, but also the loss of the life you shared with them. Holidays can be a painful reminder of what you have lost. You are also grieving for the way these events are forever altered.

Since love does not end with death, holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal grief – a feeling of loss unlike that experienced in the routine of daily living. Society encourages you to join in the holiday spirit, but all around you the sounds, sights and smells trigger memories of the one you love that is no longer here to enjoy the holidays.

It is not wrong for you to feel sad, angry or overwhelmed by the impending holidays. Because you are not able to control these changes, you are bound to have feelings that conflict with what you used to feel during the holidays. If others around you are not feeling the same way then you may feel further alienated. What used to make you happy and joyous now makes you feel sad and angry.

No simple guidelines exist that will take away the hurt you are feeling. We hope, however, the following suggestions will help you better cope with your grief during this joyful, yet painful, time of the year.

• Take time to plan ahead and think about the challenges that you will be facing during this difficult time.
• Sit down with family members and discuss what each member wants to do for the holiday. Expect that there may be some conflicts and be prepared to talk it out.
• Let others know your decisions so that they may honor them.
• Don’t do things that you are not comfortable with just because you think that it is expected of you. Consider and suggest compromises.
• Don’t forget that others in your family are hurting also. Be particularly mindful of the children in your family.
• Prioritize – Do things that very important or especially significant to you – leave the rest for later.
• Accept and even ask for help. Your family and friends are probably anxious to find ways to ease your burdens – let them know how they can assist with shopping, cooking, cleaning and decorating.
• Expect to have pain, as it is unavoidable. When those moments come, don’t run from them; just let them happen and then move on.
• Don’t be afraid to change traditions that make you sad, but do try to keep some.
• Consider creating new traditions – they may become as special as old traditions in time.
• Remember that it okay if you choose to be alone – no one else knows what is best for you.
• Don’t overwhelm yourself as you try to get in a holiday mood. In the earliest years after a loss, it may be better to re-introduce participation slowly. Understand that the holidays will not be the same, ever.
• Take good care of yourself. Remember to eat properly, take vitamins, get as much sleep as possible, etc. Take naps or just rest your eyes and your body for a few minutes. Grief puts your mind and body into overdrive – it is a natural healing process for the worst type of injury to your heart and mind but it will wear you out.
• Consider hanging a Christmas stocking for your loved one, and ask family member to write a special memory of your loved one and put it in the stocking. You could read them together on Christmas Day or choose never to read them at all.
• Consider shopping online to avoid holiday shopping stress and triggers.
• Don’t think of tears as a bad thing. Those tears are helping you heal.
• Share your feelings with your loved ones. If you are not comfortable with something, tell your family why you feel that way.
• Consider placing some decoration at the gravesite. A small wreath or decorated tree might be appropriate.
• Write a letter to your loved one, sharing your feelings and memories. This can be very cathartic.
• Accept some invitations to social events, while telling the host/hostess that you may feel compelled to cancel at the last minute or to leave early. Try to participate socially if you feel ready but understand that you may find unexpected limitations.
• Don’t feel guilty if you enjoy yourself! Your loved one would not want you to forever grieve, pushing all joy from your life. If you find yourself laughing or enjoying holiday preparations, you are not insulting your loved one’s memory, rather uplifting it.
• Remember that grief is both a necessity and a privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving love. Don’t let anyone take your grief away. Love yourself. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to be surrounded by loving, caring people.